Topic 13.3. Guilt

Guilt

Before we can start to understand the why behind guilt, let’s first recognise it. Guilt is activated when we believe that something we are doing or have done, thought or felt is wrong or bad, or has caused pain to someone else.

This could have started at a very early age. Normally parents are protective of their children. But what if your parents were overprotective? What if every time you played sport, rode your bike, or roughhoused with friends, your parent-at best-became disturbed or, at worst, frantic? “Watch out, you’ll get hurt!” “You’ll break a leg!” and so on. Would you have interpreted that as them being interested in your well being, or rather, did you believe that you were hurting your parents by your sense of adventure and fun? Children who think that their actions are causing pain to their parents will feel guilty.

Let me be clear. I’m not talking about a parent’s normal range of caution and concern. I am talking about extreme caution and worry over small risks. But if you grew up always experiencing irrational guilt about worrying an overprotective parent or grandparent, you’ll also experience guilt in response to risks as an adult. You’ll feel frustrated by your excessive sense of caution, but most likely you won’t be aware of its cause, and so you’ll be unable to change.

Does any of this sound familiar?

You feel responsible for your parents’ or siblings’ misery, and guilty about pursuing your own goals. How you try placating them, or atoning, in order to relieve your sense of guilt will explain some of your self-defeating life patterns.

You quietly developed self-hatred and resentment about having to inhibit your normal behaviour or attaining your goals when your parent continuously behaved badly towards you. How did you respond to the resentment you felt?

You rebelled as a form of protest. You hoped that they’d get the message you were sending them by your behaviour (because, instead of open communication, charades was the way everyone in your family related to one another), and change for the better (that is, you became stubborn to protest against a parent who was too controlling in the hope that he or she would get the message and be less controlling). Or, you rebelled to prove to yourself that you were your own person and couldn’t be manipulated. This type of defiant rebelliousness is responsible for much painful self-defeating behaviour.

Even though you promised yourself that when you grew up, you’d never behave in the same way that your parents did with you, you notice that you’re mimicking their worst qualities.

It can be difficult to free ourselves from the behaviour we know is destructive, no matter how hard we try, how much willpower we exert or advice we receive from others. Our childhood patterns continue on into our adult lives, even though they are clearly negative patterns and we no longer are living with our parents. The negative effect of our family experiences remain hidden from our conscious mind, even though this information is critical to changing what we most dislike about ourselves. We need to develop this elusive awareness, in order to begin to make positive changes to our negative behaviour.

Additionally, many people you meet will tell you that they didn’t experience major problems with their families and they aren’t aware of any guilty feelings. And they tell you this despite obvious, and serious, personal problems that they exhibit.

Exercise:

As a starting point, look at yourself now. Imagine that you could be reborn into your family today. Now imagine that you were born into your family with all the knowledge that you possess right now.

Consider writing about the following:

– What would be different for you in your relationship with your mother?

– What would be different for you in your relationship with your father?

– What would be different for you in your relationship with your siblings?

– What would be different for you in your relationship with your grandparents, aunties, uncles or any other significant family members?

Reflect and remove guilt from your life…

What would you like to be different?